One of my favorite rants

...from author Michael Chrichton:

"You think man can destroy the planet? What intoxicating vanity.

"Let me tell you about our planet. Earth is four-and-a-half-billion-years-old. There's been life on it for nearly that long, 3.8 billion years. Bacteria first; later the first multicellular life, then the first complex creatures in the sea, on the land. Then finally the great sweeping ages of animals, the amphibians, the dinosaurs, at last the mammals, each one enduring millions on millions of years, great dynasties of creatures rising, flourishing, dying away -- all this against a background of continuous and violent upheaval. Mountain ranges thrust up, eroded away, cometary impacts, volcano eruptions, oceans rising and falling, whole continents moving, an endless, constant, violent change, colliding, buckling to make mountains over millions of years.

"Earth has survived everything in its time. It will certainly survive us. If all the nuclear weapons in the world went off at once and all the plants, all the animals died and the earth was sizzling hot for a hundred thousand years, life would survive, somewhere: under the soil, frozen in Arctic ice. Sooner or later, when the planet was no longer inhospitable, life would spread again. The evolutionary process would begin again.

"It might take a few billion years for life to regain its present variety. Of course, it would be very different from what it is now, but the earth would survive our folly, only we would not. If the ozone layer gets thinner, ultraviolet radiation sears the earth, so what? Ultraviolet radiation is good for life. It's powerful energy. It promotes mutation, change. Many forms of life will thrive with more UV radiation. Many others will die out.

"Do you think this is the first time that's happened? Think about oxygen. Necessary for life now, but oxygen is actually a metabolic poison, a corrosive glass, like fluorine. When oxygen was first produced as a waste product by certain plant cells some three billion years ago, it created a crisis for all other life on earth. Those plants were polluting the environment, exhaling a lethal gas. Earth eventually had an atmosphere incompatible with life. Nevertheless, life on earth took care of itself.

"In the thinking of the human being a hundred years is a long time. A hundred years ago we didn't have cars, airplanes, computers or vaccines. It was a whole different world, but to the earth, a hundred years is nothing. A million years is nothing. This planet lives and breathes on a much vaster scale. We can't imagine its slow and powerful rhythms, and we haven't got the humility to try. We've been residents here for the blink of an eye. If we're gone tomorrow, the earth will not miss us."

So rest easy, you arrogant bastards. "Destroy the Planet"? You couldn't do it if you tried.

Let's Be Perfectly Clear

If you're going to spend your life immersed in misery, open to only bad news, shutting the door every time something positive comes along, convinced that your fellow humans are miserable creatures bent only on harming you, and if you believe that the downfall of our social and economic structure is not only a potential event, but inevitable, then you are shutting yourself off from all that is beautiful, positive and possible in this world. I pity you. Cynicism breeds cynicism, paranoia and anger. That's no way to live your life.

Take that for what it's worth.

Mr. DJ

Anyone who's known me long enough has heard my rants about wedding DJs who play the same hackneyed old songs over and over again. You know the playlist: Celebration. Old Time Rock and Roll. We Are Family. Brick House. The Chicken Dance/Polka. The Electric Slide. Baby Got Back. Sweet Caroline, for crying out loud. Blah, blah, blah.

But here's the thing. I've come to believe that these songs are essential to the wedding experience. Now before you go hitting me upside the head and asking me if I've lost my damn mind, allow me to explain.

A couple weekends ago, I worked a wedding that was nothing short of remarkable. There was more food at the reception than I've ever seen, the decorations were superb, the food was excellent, and the people were happy. The couple had hired a team of DJs, who came with an elaborate setup that included two big-screen TVs, four (count 'em, FOUR) DJs, a light show, video cameras, and a still photographer who snapped candids that were played on the TVs throughout the night (alternating with footage from videos, random video effects, and even live video from the floor). Sounds like a recipe for fun, right?

Well, kind of. The DJs did an admirable job; in fact, I commented at the time that it was like going to a really cool club, with all the attendant atmosphere and music.

But ultimately, that was the problem. It was like going to a club. Something I can do any weekend night. It wasn't like going to a wedding. Oh, sure...the dance floor was full, the musical transitions were seamless, and everyone had a good time. But when the night was over, I realized they had done none of the traditional dances. And when the DJ started to pack up for the night, the crowd insisted they play One. More. Song.

Guess what they asked for?

"The Cha-Cha slide".

Yep. Even the alcohol-infused guests had figured it out. This was a WEDDING, dammit, and they wanted to dance to those old wedding chestnuts. The DJ pulled out some other unknown song for the encore, once again showing that while "Daddy may know best", it's also possible to completely misread a crowd.

I'd hire these guys in an instant for a private party. But for a wedding? Never. The next time I find myself complaining about hearing "YMCA" for the umpteenth time at a wedding reception, I'm going to do my level best to remember this one. It may have been trendy...but it wasn't good.

Good Guy/Bad Guy

I received an e-mail from an old friend today (no, seriously...he's old. As in 90+ years old) regarding Senator Edward Kennedy. The e-mail was filled with the usual screed about what a jerk Kennedy is...a liar, a cheat, probably a murderer, a misogynist, and a general all-around cad.

Whatever.

No, I'm serious. Whatever. I'm was no fan of Kennedy's personal life. I tend to agree that a lot of what was written in that letter was true. The Kennedys were a bunch of spoiled little rich kids that benefited from the Holy Trinity of good luck: They were rich, they were white, they were born into a family of influence in America. It doesn't get much better than that (unless you also happen to be male, in which case you can only fail if you're caught naked on the street getting a blowjob from a $2 hooker while you shoot an illegal immigrant in the head with an assault rifle and choke a dog. Even then, don't be so sure).

So why do I say, "whatever"? Because none of that mattered to Kennedy's constituents, who kept sending him to the Senate over and over and over. He might have been a cad, but he was also an effective Senator who authored or was a signatory to nearly every major piece of civil rights legislation during his tenure. He may have been a colossal jerk, but he forged partnerships across political lines in a way that simply doesn't happen any more. He may have been a drunken fool, but he was a political genius who confounded his enemies, leaving them with nothing but personal attacks to make their point in fundraising letters.

I don't hold Senator Kennedy up on some pedestal. I think that he was a product of his upbringing and his era. He was a child of privilege, and he used that status to push a political agenda that I believe he truly and sincerely felt was the right direction for his constituents and his country. He was relentless in that goal. Love him or hate him, you have to respect that.

And if you don't? Then you ought to look in the mirror, or take a hard look at your own political heroes (the wealthy child of privilege GW Bush comes to mind) and ask yourself if you've looked beyond their flaws simply because you happen to agree with them politically.

Chances are you have. Let's let Ted rest in peace. God will sort it all out in the end.

It's Cowbell Week

Sing it, brotha!

Genius

I wanted to write about the death of Les Paul, but others (including some readers of this blog) wrote much more eloquently than I about his passing.

Still, it infuriates me that words like "genius" are floated around in relation to a minor talent like Michael Jackson and true genius—like that of Les Paul—gets nary a mention in the popular press. The day after Les Paul died, "Entertainment Tonight" devoted more than half their show to discussing the disposition of Michael Jackson's body.

Let's be clear as a bell, shall we? Michael Jackson was talented, but he was not a genius. He had great people working for him (including Quincy Jones, who probably qualifies), some great promoters, and an adoring public that doesn't realize they're being manipulated like puppets on a string (whoever insisted that MTV refer to him as the "King of Pop" should get a freaking marketing medal of some kind). He was a great vocalist, a good dancer, and a smart marketer. He was also a walking freakshow, and he doesn't pass my "princess test" (i.e., would I leave my daughter alone in a room with him?).

Les Paul, on the other hand, truly qualified as a genius. Again, let's be perfectly clear: Modern music as we know it would not exist if it weren't for Les Paul. Period. Full stop. End of discussion.

Can you say the same for MJ?

Aside from the guitar that bears his name, Les Paul pioneered multi-track recording. That seems so obvious today, but at the time, his technique was a revelation. Can you name two more important contributions to modern music than multitracking and the electric guitar?

And aside from that, he was a master guitar player, pioneering modern jazz techniques, swing, country/western and improvised soloing...the list goes on and on. And in 2005, at the age of 90, he became the oldest living individual to have a record debut on the Billboard Hot 200. The man was relevant long after his contemporaries were forgotten. He was no flash in the pan. Les Paul was a genius.

A friend of mine is a local musician of some note, and he told me a story recently about playing on stage with Les Paul. As he told it, he was with a friend at a table in a small club where Les Paul was playing, and the friend got rather drunk and obnoxious. He started hollering out at the stage, "Hey, you should let my buddy John sit in with you! He can play!". John tried to quiet him down, but the friend kept it up. So Les and the band invited John onstage. Expecting the worst, John meekly approached, picked up a guitar, and after agreeing on a song they both knew, he began to play with the master.

As John tells the story, it took him a minute or so to catch on to Les' groove, but soon they were jamming like old friends. He stuck around for a couple more songs, and was invited backstage after the gig.

"I was worried that I wasn't good enough for him," John told me. "I said that to one of the band members, and they told me that this kind of thing happens all the time. People want to play with Les, and sometimes he brings them up as a challenge. Believe me, if you weren't good, he would have kicked you off right away."

John tells me he had a wonderful conversation with Les Paul. They discussed vintage gear, how they modified certain amplifiers to get a certain sound, and chatted about music in general. John told me that even at Les' advanced age, he was a gracious and kind host.

Clearly, Les Paul was a class act. That's more than I can say for most celebrities these days. At the risk of sounding like an out of touch curmudgeon, there's nothing about Michael Jackson that inspires me to want to emulate him in any way, shape or form. On the other hand, I'd be blessed to have a life like Les Paul. Talented, respected by his peers, gracious in his elder years, and dying a peaceful death surrounded by loving family and friends. Who could want more?

Rest in peace, Paul. There will never be another one like you.



edit: You can't make this stuff up. After I published this post, look at the graphic that came up:

I Love These Things

See, they're so cool. They're packaged well...they look intriguing; sophisticated, but fun. They're not like the other candy you've seen, even if they are on the same aisle.

Soon, you see past the shiny packaging, and, you're somewhat intimidated by the rather harsh exterior. But once you get past that, there's a wonderful combination of sweet with just a little nuttiness for balance.

Does it get any better than this? I don't think so.