Monday, May 23, 2011

Memo to Corporate Management

Dear Corporate Management:

It has come to my attention that your firm may be experiencing some temporal displacement issues; to wit, you may not be aware that the rest of the world has "moved on" and we are no longer experiencing life in 1954. I realize that this revelation may bring with it some serious cognitive dissonance, therefore I would like to assist you in whatever way possible with forging forward into the brave new world you will encounter when you remove the blinders from your eyes and update your aging calendars.

First, the year is now 2011, and America now has a President of African descent. I mention this at the beginning, because when you see that dark face staring back at you from the White House, it's important that you know you are not looking at the housekeeping staff. This realization may come as a shock to you, but getting the "big news" out of the way first will help you cope with the rest of this memo. You may notice many "dark" faces in your company, and some of them may even work in areas outside the janitorial realm (although none are probably on your management team).

Second, women are now fully-functioning members in all areas of society. As you look around your workplace, you will now see females of all varieties performing tasks on every level. Some of them even have the title "Manager" in your organization (it's true...check the org chart). Instead of asking yourself how they managed to "sneak in", you are encouraged to take advantage of their unique skill sets, and may even want to consider moving them into positions beyond those of marketing and accounting. In many businesses, women now serve as Directors, Vice-Presidents and even CEOs. I realize this may shock your 1950's sensibilities, but rest assured, women are now seen as not only capable, but—brace yourself—competent.

In 2011, it is permitted for corporate management to seek the advice and counsel of those people outside the management team. Further, you are encouraged to foster an environment of camaraderie and collaboration whereby company team members (you probably know them as "employees" or "bodies") actually suggest ideas and help implement them outside of the management structure. This will take some getting used to, but you will find that many of them actually have good ideas based on their years of experience with your company and its operations.

You will find that many of your team members (there's that pesky phrase again!) work in three-sided boxes known as "cubicles". These are a fairly recent corporate development, designed to encourage ownership of one's own "space" while allowing for collaboration with other team members through what is commonly known as "walking around". Rest assured that if your team members are seen exiting their cubicle and engaging in conversation with another team member, it does not necessarily mean that they are not contributing to the bottom line of the corporation.

A few other brief things to remember (these are also known as "bullet items", to use the popular vernacular):

  • Women now wear pants. Blouses are also lower-cut than you remember, and staring is highly discouraged.
  • Do not refer to female team members as "honey", "baby", "sweetheart", "cookie" or "darling". In most cases, referring to them by their name is preferred.
  • Those hard things that look like donuts are called "bagels", and are basically inedible after about 2PM
  • "facebook" is not really a book, "The Net" is not really a net, and mail is now delivered instantly through a "computer". You will receive separate guidance on these issues.

I hope this will help you in your transition to this exciting new era.


William Shatner
Director of Temporal Placement Services


  1. @SC: In that case, she should be referred to by her middle name, unless it happens to be "honey", in which case the last name (preceded by "Ms.") is appropriate. One should also reconsider hiring anyone with the name "Cookie".